(theme music playing)
(applause)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I am John Oliver. Thank you so much for being with us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin with Vladimir Putin,
the man most likely to be currently staring at a poster of a wolf
while doing hammer curls.
On Thursday, Putin addressed his people
in what has become something of an annual tradition.
Reporter: Russian president Vladimir Putin
is holding his 13th annual question and answer marathon.
They're already a couple hours into this.
He invites members of the general public
to ask questions live on TV.
And...
who would not feel comfortable asking a question
to that friendly face?
It is true-- Putin did Q and A
for four solid hours,
preempting hit Russian television shows
such as Bear versus Tiger, Who Is Most Strong?
and their famous sitcom, How Dare You Claim To Know My Suffering?
He took questions about Ukraine and the economy,
but to honest, a free and open dialogue
was never really the point of this.
Reporter: It's very well choreographed.
I mean, those questions are selected to highlight Putin the statesman,
Putin with his wry sense of humor.
Of course.
This was really a showcase
for Putin's world-famous sense of humor.
And he actually got a chance to use it
during one of the stranger questions.
(speaking Russian) Translator: Sir, would you like to clone yourself?
We have so many officials.
No, next one.
That's it.
Just no.
Classic Putin. You get the sense
that he would be the worst improv partner ever.
"Hey, Vlad, we're here at the bakery."
"No! We are at steel mill that proves the might
of Russian industry, and I am me and you are Oprah.
And scene! Scene."
But the best moment
was when a woman asked Putin-- and this is true--
if he would tell her friend's husband Boris
to let her get a dog,
a total softball to set him up for a humanizing moment.
All he needed to do was say yes
and not get all weird about it.
Translator: You and me could ask Boris together,
just request him in a friendly way
to, uh, allow Yelena.
But Yelena might say, "Okay, I don't need a dog.
I'll do as you say, my dear husband."
I'm sure after that, he'll present her
an elephant as a gift.
I mean, it's just the issue of the right time
and the right place. And maybe a fur coat.
I'm not sure about a fur coat, but maybe a dog.
So we'll just ask the person Boris, please.
What the fuck was that?
To answer whether someone should get a pet dog,
he mentioned marital submission,
brought up the possibility of a pet elephant,
suggested the skin of a dead animal as a potential dog substitute,
before finally just deferring to Boris anyway.
That is a fascinating window into his thought process,
and it also suggests Crimea might be about to get a pet elephant.
But let's move on to Oklahoma,
where this week, there was some distressingly familiar news.
A volunteer Tulsa county deputy
is now facing a manslaughter charge
in the fatal shooting of a black suspect
during an undercover gun operation.
Prosecutors say 73-year-old Robert Bates
was negligent for shooting Eric Harris
with a handgun instead of a Taser.
Okay. There is a lot to unpack there.
How do you mistake a handgun for a Taser?
And what is a 73-year-old volunteer
doing taking part in an undercover sting operation?
We actually got a possible answer to the second question,
and it was not good.
Reporter: Many wonder if Bates' close relationship
with the sheriff led to this assignment.
Over the years, Robert Bates has donated several vehicles,
including a Dodge Charger, a Crown Victoria,
and a Toyota Avalon.
Okay. Giving away cars
should not qualify you for law enforcement.
At best, it qualifies you to host The Price is Right.
At best, at best.
Look, this is clearly a tragic story
and it was not made any better when for some reason,
Bates decided to apologize in the most uncomfortable way possible.
First and foremost, let me apologize
to the family of Eric Harris.
You know, this is the second-worst thing that's ever happened to me,
or first-- ever happened to me in my life.
I've had cancer, a number of years ago.
I didn't think I was going to get there.
Luckily, I was able to go to a hospital
where I had hours of surgery.
I rate this as #1--
Reporter: Mister-- --on my list of things
in my life that I regret. Mr. Bates?
Okay. Okay, so it was either the worst or second-worst thing
after that time you got cancer, but then got better.
Now let's be clear, the only thing you're a victim of here
is a creepy six-hand massage.
And-- and Bates is not the only one at fault.
This is also on the Tulsa County Sheriff's office
for letting a 73-year-old man
act as back-up on a firearms sting.
Because there are many things that we should allow 73-year-olds to do
without putting up a fight, like use the phrase, "the Hispanics,"
or get into fights over Cribbage matches,
or sign their name at the end of Facebook comments.
But I think we can all agree,
when it comes to law enforcement,
to paraphrase Danny Glover, a 73-year-old man
is literally too old for this shit.
And finally,
finally this week,
I'd like to talk about Earth Day.
Don't worry, you didn't miss it.
It's next Wednesday.
So-- so you still have a chance
to think about the problems facing the planet
and brace yourself for inane TV segments like this.
What are we doing here?
So we're having an Earth Day birthday party.
And so what we're going to do here is you take your old cereal boxes
and make these lovely little hats.
It's kinda cute! It's just-- it's adorable.
Come on.
Come on, making craft projects out of garbage
is not how you save the environment.
It's what you do on a first date with Zooey Deschanel.
That's it.
But let's-- but let's-- let's give them credit.
They're trying to get people to engage in environmental issues,
which is increasingly difficult.
We've become immune to shock.
Just look at that classic image
of a polar bear balancing on a block of ice.
That used to horrify people. But now it's lost its power.
It's like looking at pornography from the 1840s.
I don't care how much shin that woman is showing.
I just feel nothing.
And look, if anything, things have got worse for polar bears.
Earlier this year, a study showed that environmental toxins
could potentially cause them to be at risk of increased risk
of species extinction "as a result of weak penile bones
and risk of fractures."
To put that in layman's terms,
pollution could cause polar bears
to break their dicks.
And-- and I know what you're thinking.
"John, John, wait.
John, polar bears don't have dick bones."
Well, it turns out you're wrong.
Because let me introduce you to the wonderful world
of polar-bear lovemaking.
Narrator: It's the male's thrusting penis
which causes her to release an egg.
But it could take up to two weeks.
To help her conceive,
he's got a trick up his sleeve--
a bone right in the middle of his penis.
It's called a baculum,
and it doesn't just help to stimulate ovulation.
It keeps him hard.
Yeah! Yeah.
Now-- now you understand why those Coca-Cola bears
have to hold bottles in front of them.
They have raging erections all the time.
Always.
Now look, clearly this story
is upsetting, but it's also an opportunity.
Because for at least half the population,
having your dick bone snap in half
is viscerally upsetting.
So I would suggest that we retire the polar bear
on the chunk of ice as the face of global pollution
and replace it with this image
of a polar bear clutching its shattered penis.
Because that will get people's attention.
And don't just take it from me.
Take it from the new face of Earth Day,
my friend and yours, Marshmallow, the polar bear
with a broken penis.
Marshmallow, are you sad?
(groaning) You're sad, Marshmallow?
Is it-- is it because
your chemically-weakened penis bone snapped in half?
(grunts) That's why you're sad?
What specific action do you think
the international community should commit to
to prevent this from happening, Marshmallow?
(grunts, groans) You don't know?
(whimpering) Are you struggling to think of a plan
because of how much your penis hurts?
(moans) That makes sense.
So come on, everyone! This Earth Day,
I want you all to think of Marshmallow's devastated penis.
(groans) Because while it may not be salvageable,
others still could be. So clap your hands, everyone.
Clap your hands
if you want hard polar-bear penises.
We can do this! Happy Earth Day, everyone!
And now this! You're okay, you're okay.
Announcer: And now, the most patient man on television
endures the American public.
Man on phone: I don't know what's going on in this world right now.
Obama's a Muslim,
and that's all I got to say.
Obama's not a Muslim.
But thank you for making your comment.
Man #2 on phone: I watch all three of your channels, C-SPAN,
C-SPAN 1 and C-SPAN 2--
C-SPAN 3, I'm sorry.
Sure.
And it's heavily Republican. Okay.
Man #3 on phone: Uh, I thought this was a free country.
Woman on phone: We've excluded God from everything
and look at what's happening to us.
Woman #2 on phone: We should probably send in special forces,
similar to Rambo.
I don't know enough about the military.
Man #4 on phone: Just scare 'em off,
tell 'em off-- "I'll blow your head off."
And that's it, it's done. Okay.
Woman #3 on phone: Having our government do absolutely nothing,
it's treason. Okay.
Man #5: That's what brings us to Idiocracy.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Man #6: (unintelligible speaking)
...why the white girls are ready to trust us. Thank you.
Okay.
Moving on,
our main story tonight concerns patents.
They're basically legally-binding dibs,
and they're important.
If you invent something in America
and you get it approved by the Patent and Trademark Office,
the rights to that idea then belong to you.
They're absolutely essential to business,
as you would know if you've ever seen an episode of Shark Tank.
Why aren't you telling me about something proprietary
or a patent or a technology or software no one can emulate?
I hope you do get your patent,
and I wish you good luck. Without having it,
I feel that you're going to really have a struggle.
Don't have a patent, don't have a finished sample,
don't have experience.
Unless you have a patent or some proprietary technology,
you're going to be in trouble.
I'm out. I'm out.
Exactly. Arriving on the set of Shark Tank
without a patent is like turning up to America's Next Top Model
without knowing how to "smize" or "booty tooch."
"You take that shit to catalog. You're not editorial.
You're not editorial."
I don't know what that means,
but the point is, if you don't have a patent,
you don't have a prayer on Shark Tank,
unless you've got a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity
like this guy.
(bopping music playing) (laughs)
Man: * You go to my site, you describe a cat *
* I draw it, I mail it, it's as easy as that *
* I'd invest if I were you
* And I want to draw a cat for you. *
By the way, his business got funded,
presumably because he holds the patent
on whatever the fuck he's doing with his shoulders.
The problem is, the patent system
has increasingly been prone to abuse.
For instance, a few years ago, a man named Austin Meyer
made a popular flight-simulator app
and then one day received a frightening letter.
It said that a company called Uniloc
was filing suit against me.
Reporter: The company is suing Meyer
for patent infringement.
According to the lawsuit,
Uniloc says it owns the idea
of a computer program checking a central server for authorization.
It is the technology upon which
all Android apps are based.
All Android apps? That I know of.
Every one I know of.
It's true. This company, Uniloc,
is essentially claiming it's entitled to a piece
of every Android app.
That technically means they could show up
at the headquarters of Tinder
and demand a cut of everything Tinder has created,
which I assume would be a pile of STDs,
sad orgasms, and shards of human self-esteem.
That's-- that's the business model.
But this-- this situation has become so common,
there's even a name for companies that do this.
Reporter: So-called patent trolls typically don't invent anything
or sell anything. They simply buy patents
and make their money by threatening lawsuits.
Yeah, most of these companies don't produce anything.
They just shake down anyone who does.
So calling them trolls is a little misleading.
At least trolls actually do something.
They control bridge access for goats
and ask people fun riddles.
Patent trolls just threaten to sue the living shit out of people.
And believe me, those lawsuits add up.
Reporter: In fact, of the 4,700 patent lawsuits filed in 2012,
3,000 were from these so-called patent trolls.
Reporter: The White House claims during the last two years,
the number of lawsuits brought by patent trolls has nearly tripled.
Male reporter: Research shows this type of litigation
has cost investors an estimated half a trillion dollars since 1990.
Half a trillion. Let me put that in context.
To lose other people that amount of money,
Johnny Depp would have had to star in The Lone Ranger
over 100 times a year for 25 years.
That's a horrifying amount.
Horrifying!
And patent trolls target everyone,
from big businesses like Apple and Samsung to tiny ones.
In fact, you don't even need to make something
to be targeted, you just need to use something.
The business in Old Lyme couldn't believe it
when someone threatened to sue them
for using their own copy machine.
We provide employment services for people
with barriers to employment, mostly people with disabilities.
Reporter: FolNer, LLC, threatened to file
unless Hurley forked over $1,000
for each employee who uses the scan-to-email function on this copier.
FolNer says it's entitled to this licensing money
because it owns the patents for that process.
Wow.
When you are threatening to sue a company
which helps people with disabilities find work
for using their own photocopier,
you're not just on the road to hell,
you have your own parking spot right next to the fucking devil.
So-- so how exactly did we get ourselves into this mess?
Well, in part, it has to do with the types of patents
that have been issued.
The patent office is supposed to certify inventions
that are "new, useful, and non-obvious."
Incidentally, all the adjectives that Tom Cruise would say
he's seeking in an ideal mate.
But-- but during periods
of big technological change, they can get overwhelmed
and certify patents that they shouldn't.
This happened in the 19th century with railroads,
and then again more recently with the development of software.
Narrator: In the last decade,
the number of software patents has skyrocketed.
The issue here, say experts,
is that while patents from machines tend to be fairly specific,
software patents can be so broad and vague,
that they may give someone the ability
to later claim ownership for inventions
they never dreamed of at the time.
And that is the seed of our current problems.
Because if a troll can get a vaguely-defined software patent,
they can demand payment for anything
that fits that description.
Basically, if they thought to patent,
"computer thing that never works" years ago,
they'd currently be getting rich off of FaceTime.
Very, very rich.
Patent trolls have this process down to such a science,
for a start, they have figured out a way to almost never go to trial.
One study found that almost 90% of cases
are settled for a very practical reason.
It's an extortion game. Because it costs
between and $2 and $5 million to defend a patent suit.
So the patent troll says,
"We'll settle for $100,000."
Reporter: Many decide to pay out settlements
because it's cheaper than fighting the lawsuits.
So they work out the maximum amount of money
you'd be willing to pay rather than go to court,
and negotiate for that.
They pick a number the same way airlines
pick a cabin temperature-- perfectly calibrated
to make you miserable, but not so much
that you'd actually do anything about it.
And the most frustrating thing is,
sometimes it's hard to know who's behind all of this.
They often have vague company names
like IP Nav, Empire IP,
or Pragmatus.
And incidentally, Pragmatus sounds like
the most boring mythological Greek hero of all time.
"I am Pragmatus, and I shall not battle the Hydra
"for it is much larger than me.
"So I shall go home via the farmer's market,
"for the bruised vegetables are cheaper at the end of the day.
Pragmatus bids you farewell."
Patent trolls--
patent trolls have even managed to find
the friendliest place to file their lawsuits.
Reporter: Almost a quarter of last year's US patent cases
were filed in this Eastern Texas federal court district.
Marshall, Texas. Population-- 24,000.
A quarter of all patent cases
are filed in Marshall, Texas.
And believe me, it is not because people there
are inventing like a meth head in a Home Depot aisle.
(inhaling) "Oh, I combined a wheel with a nail.
"It's a nail wheel! New invention! Patent!
"Uh, here's four feet of PVC piping
"I can use for a big straw. Patent!
Holy shit, I'm a genius! Give me more meth!"
Patent trolls have figured out
that for whatever reason, East Texas judges and juries
are sympathetic to plaintiffs.
And it has been so effective,
that big companies are having to go to absurd lengths
to pander to the people of Marshall, Texas.
Tech companies know the value of a good PR campaign
here in Marshall, where almost anyone could be on your next jury.
A city official tells us that Samsung,
sued here multiple times,
has spent almost $1 million
on community projects like this ice-skating rink
right in front of the courthouse.
Samsung was so frightened of patent lawsuits,
they felt forced to build an outdoor ice rink in Texas.
Do you know how hard that is to maintain?
It's like building a bowling alley in space.
This situation is insane.
Now the good news is,
there is cross-party support in Washington for fixing this problem.
In fact, a bipartisan bill was introduced two years ago
called the "Innovation Act," with some decent ideas,
such as encouraging judges to make patent trolls
pay court costs if they lose,
and forcing patent trolls to be more transparent
about their identities.
And I'm not saying that bill was perfect,
but it would have helped.
It's like when parents of teenagers lock the liquor cabinet.
"Look, I know this isn't going to stop you, Rhapsody,
"but it will make it just a little harder
for you to fuck up the entire neighborhood."
Unfortunately, while the bill passed the House
by an overwhelming majority,
it never even made it to a vote in the Senate.
I wonder, why would that be?
What do you make of this bill getting killed?
Well, I know this is news, but trial lawyers' influence
in Washington is alive and well.
Yes, apparently, lobbyists for groups including trial lawyers
managed to prevent the bill from moving forward.
And you cannot let trial lawyers
decide whether there should be more baseless lawsuits.
That's the equivalent of trusting raccoons
to make laws about garbage-can placement.
"No, they should be easy to reach
"and left slightly open.
"All in favor, say, 'Heeeehhh! Heeeehhh!
"Heeeehhhh! Heeehhhh!
Heeehh!'"
That's a good impression, as far as you know.
Luckily, there is actually a glimmer of hope here,
because that bill is making the rounds again.
And look, even if it doesn't pass, something has to.
We have to do something
or the only viable business left in America
is going to be one that relies on no patents whatsoever.
And I can only think of one business
that fits that description.
* I'll draw you a cat, whatever the vibe *
* I draw the cat that you describe. *
(bopping music playing)
I guess, all I'm saying is, hit it.
(bopping music playing)
* Let's reform our patents quick *
* Or we will all be in the shit *
And now this.
Announcer: And now, the continuing adventures
of the most patient man on television.
Man on phone: You can hear me?
I can, go ahead, Paul.
(static) This is-- this is Paul Beach speaking.
You're on the air. Go ahead.
Man #2 on phone: Blacks need to take a little bit
more responsibility for themselves.
Man #3 on phone: This government has a habit
of putting labels on people.
Uh, Jap, Kraut, Indian, VC.
Man #4 on phone: Brutish, brainless, bloated,
blackmailing, bribing, boondoggling, bamboozling bureaucracy.
Man #5 on phone: The Zionist neocon Jews
are behind all of this.
Man #6 on phone: The Jews that run the media.
Man #7 on phone: The Jews are great people.
It's just only the good-time ones
that control all the finances here in America.
Man #8 on phone: I'm not prejudiced.
Man #9 on phone: I'm not racist. I'm not sexist.
Woman on phone: And I'm not a hater.
Man #10 on phone: We need to get rid
of every Muslim out of the country.
Because they are sent here to kill us.
Okay, we'll leave it at that.
And finally tonight,
let's turn to some lighter news,
the end of the world.
The news is constantly full of potential causes,
whether it's nuclear Armageddon
or environmental destruction.
I told you-- that bear is the new face of Earth Day.
But as we learned earlier this year,
one news network has actually planned
what they'll show during humanity's final moments.
If this is ever on CNN, it means the world is coming to an end.
Man: It's called "Turner Doomsday Video,"
something Ted Turner actually produced
in the early days of CNN to air
on Doomsday, when the world is ending.
The video restriction even says, quote,
"Hold for release till end of the world confirmed."
Oh, that's great, CNN.
So you're going to wait till the end of the world
to actually confirm something.
But-- but look, I'll admit-- I will admit,
I'm intrigued by this. I'm intrigued by the idea.
So tell me, what is that last thing CNN wants all of us to see?
(all playing Nearer My God to Thee)
That's it?
A band playing a slow dirge?
Well, to be fair, when the world ends,
it would be comforting to look at any marching band
and think, "Well, at least they'll all die, too."
But just-- as a side note,
if the music they were playing rings a bell,
there might be a reason for that.
Man: In the video, the Armed Forces Marching Bands
play Nearer My God to Thee,
the hymn that, as legend has it,
was played as the Titanic sank.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That was not the music that played when the Titanic sank.
This was.
* You're here
* There's nothing I fear
* And I know that my heart *
* Will go on...
Yes.
The last thing those drowning people heard
was some sort of French Canadian space mermaid.
That's a fact. That's a history fact.
Look, if humanity's time on earth is going to end,
this cannot be the last thing we all see.
Because a Doomsday video shouldn't just be sad.
It should be celebratory.
So with that in mind,
we've produced a new video for the end of the world
for CNN and anyone else to use.
Please enjoy.
(soft music playing)
Hello.
I'm Martin Sheen.
And I'm afraid if you're watching this,
the End Times are upon us.
Whether because of war, disease,
or a genetically-modified dinosaur,
our world is now only moments away
from total annihilation.
So let's take these last few moments
to celebrate the greatest things
about humanity's time on Earth.
We had a good run, didn't we?
We harnessed fire,
invented languages,
and engineered transparent underwater tunnels
simply because we felt like looking at shark tummies.
We were the first species to evolve to walk on two legs
and then invented a way not to.
But perhaps humanity's greatest achievement of all
was our total domination of every other species.
Nice try, lions.
Unless of course we're all dying
because lions evolved and conquered the human race,
in which case, well played, lions.
Now let's admit, humanity sometimes failed
to live up to our potential,
as evidenced by our blooper reel.
Oh!
(slide whistle)
Wahh!
Tragically, it seems our time together as a species
is drawing short,
and life on Earth is about to end.
So before we all embrace whatever awaits us,
I have something important to show you.
It's a model of an Old West saloon
filled with cat bartenders
and cat cowboys.
(organ playing)
(doors squeak)
(meowing)
Cats.
In conclusion,
don't be sad over what we're losing.
Instead, think fondly of what we had.
So let's give thanks to peanut butter,
to water slides,
to the night sky, to the Beatles,
and the Pyramids,
to that YouTube video of Kelsey Grammer
falling off a stage.
...UN interpreter... Oh! Ahh.
We did things that few thought possible.
We mastered the art of the yo-yo,
and had a cereal that was nothing but cookies.
We invented the automobile,
and then invented an automobile
that could drive over 20 other automobiles.
We made backpacks that look like animals
and then had those same animals wear them.
We set magnificently pointless world records.
We mastered relative time and Hammer time.
We developed string theory and string cheese.
And you know what else?
We went to the moon!
So now, before we're all vaporized
or whatever awaits us,
I think it's fitting that the last thing we all see
is this sick basketball shot.
We did it.
This is Martin Sheen, over and out.
That's our show! Thank you so much.
For Martin Sheen and those cats, good night!
(piano playing)